I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
