i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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