My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
