There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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