She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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