Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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