I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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