he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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