I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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