Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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