I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
