Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
