I think im going to throw up on grandma
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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