Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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