saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
