Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
