My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
