sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
