Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
