Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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