Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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