im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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