i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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