Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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