Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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