my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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