Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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