the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
