I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
