The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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