somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize