My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Naked Twister starts at high noon
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
