I think I won the penis lottery.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
