fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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