just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
