she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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