The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
