I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Randomize
