I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
