tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
