ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
