turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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