The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
