woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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