Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
