benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
