yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
