i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
