Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
