i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
