Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
