I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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