I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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