i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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