Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
