The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
