Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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