If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
