who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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