your parents love me but you hate me
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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