Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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